


Headlines

by SamTheGreatandPowerful



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Humor, News style formatting, funny news stories, totally made up though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 12:35:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1648832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamTheGreatandPowerful/pseuds/SamTheGreatandPowerful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some funny made up news stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. End of the World Postponed

December 21, 2012

**End of the World Postponed**  
 **Lucifer Breaks Foot**

Everywhere, The World

As we all know, the world was supposed to end today. Well, it is not, in fact going to end today. The end of the world has been postponed due to the fact that Lucifer has broken his foot. “It's really the worst timing,” says Lucifer's brother, Micheal. “He did always have the worst timing, though.”

“Lucifer can't do anything on anyone else's schedule. We set all his time pieces back two hours once because he was late to everything. Didn't matter what it was, meeting, watering Earth, teaching the fledglings to fly, what ever, he was late, or he 'would get around to it'. Plot twist! He never did.” Balthazar, another of Lucifer's brothers stated to media earlier today.

When asked about what happened, Lucifer said “is it really my fault that my foot was broken? If it's anybody's fault, it's Gabriel's. He put a roller skate right where he knew I would step in it. At the top of a staircase, too!”

“Yeah, I put a roller skate at the top of the steps. I didn't think it would break his leg though!” Gabriel was unavailable for further comments as he was dragged away by a scowling Micheal and another of their brothers, Zachariah.

Now the biggest question hanging over everyone's head is “what now?” We can only assume that after Lucifer's foot heals and he can walk again, that the Apocalypse will move forward as planned. When we asked the brothers we received several “no comments” and one “well, maybe. Most likely not, Micheal and the rest are big on the whole 'the cosmos has to be in line for this to happen” from Lucifer. “I don't really care, though. I live to bash Micheal's brains in.”


	2. The World's Youngest Mob Boss

6 July 2012

**Boy, Age 9, World's Youngest Mob Boss**

 

Chicago, Illinois

Jackson Murray is nine years old. He goes to elementary school, grudgingly does his homework, helps his mom set the table and bathes with numerous rubber duckies. But at night, after his parents have fallen asleep, he changes out of his The Joker jammies and into black slacks and a purple button up. Jackson Murray the worlds youngest mob boss. He runs the Murray Mob, the biggest mob in Chicago since Al Capone's Chicago Outfit.

His best friend Evan Caroni, who is ten (and a half) is his “best friend and most trusted lieutenant.” Murray has built his entire mob using children no older than seventeen years of age. The older teenagers are his muscle, while the younger children are his brains. He operates out of the McDonald’s on old highway 97. “I'm so surprised, he's such a sweetheart,” his mother, Deirdre, age thirty two, states. “I just can't believe this at all.”

The court is trying to decide, should the nine year old even be tried at all, if he can be. “He has built the biggest organized crime syndicate in the United States, we can't just let him go,” states government attorney Richard Grayson. Tianna Becker, Murray's aunt denies claims that she helped to start the mob and that the boys uncle, her husband Alexander, was the front for the operation. Both are being charged with aiding and abetting and possibly they have ties to several murders carried out by the mob. They are awaiting trial in the county jail. The courts are also trying to decide if Evan and the child mobs other higher ups should be tried. The legal age for a minor to be able to be tried is fourteen, but should an exception be made for a nine year old mobster?

Most are calling this a ruse, a fake. Some even going so far as to say that those in the government are now just doing any heavy drugs they can get their hands on. We will have to wait and see what the courts decide.


	3. Woman loses bake off, sets judges and winner on fire.

21 June 1996

**Woman loses bake off, sets judges and winner on fire.**

Bozeman, Montana

When Lydia lost the bake off that she always won, she lit her brother, aunt, second cousin, and her next door neighbor on fire. Why? Because she always won, that's why. The young woman who had moved into the house across the street had won. Her name was Alice, she was a sweet young woman who had moved into town because her husband's job had been relocated. The thing, though that had really set Lydia off was that Alice had entered on a whim. She, while she knew she was guilty, she maintained that they all deserved it. She hated when things didn't go her way. When she lost her sixth grade science fair, she destroyed the winners, her cousin Lucy, project by pouring the run off from her baking soda volcano all over it. This reporter believes Lydia Merriweather to be deeply narcissistic

“I don't care. She deserved it! She obviously didn't bake those herself!” Lydia's defense was so weak that even this reporter could break through it.

“That is no reason to light four people on fire!” Judge Daniels said.

“She's a cheater!” Lydia screamed across the courtroom.

“Alice Jacobson is in the hospital with second and third degree burns because you saw fit to light her on fire because you lost a baking competition! We are not here to discuss why or how guilty or justified you are. This is a sentencing hearing, we are here to discuss what your sentence is. Now. For four counts of aggravated assault. . .” It was clear to all of us in the courtroom that Lydia's mind had wondered somewhere else while the judge was reading her sentence. I wonder what she was thinking about.

As she was removed from the courtroom she screamed “I still won, in the end, I still won!” Besides being narcissistic, she may also be a deeply disturbed woman.


End file.
